I forgot the sharks. They were literally the first thing that came to mind when I thought about the perfect holiday item for that special someone, and then they fell off the back of the truck. I thought that just because Great White Sharks basically always die in captivity wouldn’t stop someone from selling them, but I couldn’t find anything much bigger than this with a listed price. HOWEVER, you may inquire within here to find out more information on how you might acquire a Hammerhead Shark. The current price is: seasonal.
Killer Whale Submarine – Lukas Tyson (Do Remember)
If bringing the sharks to you is too much commitment, Community pillar, DJ, and all around Mensch Lukas Tyson has your back, you simply go to them disguised as something that kills them from time to time. Do you need Revenge On An Animal? Is that animal underwater? Do you have the coin for gill surgery? Hammacher Schlemer has heard your cries. Unfortunately, the snorkel feature which maintains airflow to the engine can only go 5’ deep, so you’ll need to draw your enemy to the surface. Godspeed.
Hammer Mace – Nicky Palermo (Nothing)
“I know where to get it, I’m just not telling.”
“The Wayward Knight” Black Armor
If people in your life know where to get a hammer mace but won’t tell you, the folks at armstreet have you covered, literally. There are both male and female forms of various stylings on the site with a price range that will probably be 1/8th the cost of Demna’s armor in the 2021 Balenciaga collection. We’re entering the new Middle Ages…who are you jousting?
Drop Shoulder Patch Pocket Cardigan – Michael Bingham (Spiritual Cramp, SPICE)
So what are we going to give our loved ones to wear inside their new suit of armor? A lovingly handcrafted Patch Pocket Cardigan from Brownstone of course. Bingham is a carefully put together dude and a fellow lover of gear, so I’m not shocked to see him pick a classic item beautifully made in a fun color. That’s kind of how I’d describe Spiritual Cramp. And Spice. It’s easy to dress well, it’s rare when that’s an extension of everything else you do. Do you have someone who’s the embodiment of a gorgeous pricey cardigan? I hope so.
Do you have a friend who doesn’t have anything nice to say? Do they keep saying it anyway? Do they interstitially post videos about themselves being the clown before waking up the next day and lashing out again? They’re your friend and they’ll always be presumptuous, but maybe you can gode them into muting their own performed emotions: Mime School gift certificates. Please don’t send me to Mime School. I’m trying to be different.
Terrain Lamp by Caroline Zimbalist – Zenat Begum (Playground Coffeeshop)
What a fuckin’ lamp, am I right? I’m not surprised Zenat suggested an everyday item by a local artist who’s cool and tasteful, that’s kind of part of her thing. The community minded owner of Playground Coffee in Bed Stuy is responsible for organizing those colorful free food fridges you’re seeing across the borough. Apropos of nothing, Playground’s store in the back of their excellent cafe is the only physical space i’ve sold Looking Stupid shirts in the US. The good ones that actually sell out. You’ll also find things worth owning in there, from books to ashtrays and plenty in between, they do a lot for the community and look good doing it.
Sefer Ha-Mitsvot (Book of the Commandments) and Mishneh TOrah (Halakhic code), Rabbi Moses Maimonides, Venice: Marco Antonio Giustiniani, 1550-1551
For someone who doesn’t just need G*d but the old G*d not the nicer G*d from the sequel. In lieu of getting religion maybe it’s time for you a friend or a loved one to start their own. Kind of an amorphous task with tremendous potential right? Quarantine hobbies indeed. If that sounds more appealing than puzzling I suggest starting with this beautiful book by Kamau Patton released in conjunction with his work at Skidmore. If that all sounds like too much work, I’d still recommend getting your hands on that book and getting your trigger fingers ready for the task at hand: Bidding starts at $8,500 and the auction is in two days. We’ll say a prayer for you.
LAND. Everyone needs a safe high point to defend what is theirs, and this lovely acreage (just shy of 78 to be exact) in Northern California is just what the doctor ordered. This will fit your armor, your lamps, all rare prayer books, and a grand saltwater tank for any manner of obscure marine life. The Hat Creek property has been in the same family for over 100 years, so consider this a rare opportunity. There’s plenty of room for horses, ranching, crop cultivation and a home, but be warned, it’s also a “the Native American Brown Family Cemetery” so it’s definitely haunted. Good luck, the blood is on your hands now.
Gold Series Custom Wine Cellar – Ben Detrick (Cookies Hoops)
Honestly, Ben, a man of the people, suggested this really sturdy one that’s only $100 bucks that he owns and bought as a present for his own brother (what an endorsement). But while Detrick is the man of the people that brings you only the finest basketball commentary, we here at Looking Stupid are thinking about how to outfit your new haunted property at Hat Creek. You’re gonna need a wine cellar, are you not? The cellar shown here can hold up to 1610 bottles, making it less than $7 per bottle in storage at a price just shy of 11 thousand before shipping and installation. After you realize the land might not be for you, and who knows how long that will take, you can retire to your wine cellar and work your way through the bottles as you ponder your next move. Maybe it will be the holidays again by then.