Financial Report 1.13.2017


The dinosaur skeleton resides in the foyer. A long necked herbivore like a brachiosaurus doesn’t seem practical, and a T-Rex is gauche. I’ve settled on a triceratops, because they’re as emblematic as something like a Stegosaurus, but majestic, instead of ugly. You do want a dinosaur people can name off hand, otherwise you’ll spend half your life explaining what exactly you put in the front of your home, like everyone doomed to explain their small liberal arts college to uninterested potential employers and party guests alike. “It’s a small school just outside of New York…”

The triceratops stage is padded by an early 20th century Mahal rug which sits on solid oak, surrounded by a velvet rope held up by vintage brass stanchions topped with gargoyles that all look like a different Marx Brother. The black and white checkered solid marble floor is a bit of a cheap out, but I really like the Specials, and it makes the promenade feel a little secretly rude boy (it doesn’t, but I say it does, and now what I say goes). If you reach around the Rembrandt you’ll find a latch that releases the three foot blast-proof door. Safety first. Lead with the museum, protect oneself in the residence, right? ALSO- Be mindful that the door is incorporated into the velodrome which loops the facility, SO- check the CCTV before pulling the lever. Accidents have happened before, and though we’ve never gone to court, it’s best avoided.

By now you’ve seen the expansive Llama farm. It wasn’t supposed to be like that, but we have the acreage on the compound, and they’re on the other side of the moat, so fuck it, right? Their numbers got a bit out of hand when we tried to breed leopard spots into them (can you imagine the sweaters?). Ironically, the two leopards we purchased to cull their rising numbers have focused more on mating than culling, and if all the cubs in this litter make it, we’ll be well on our way to a more balanced ecosystem. I’m a bit worried about the leopard generations to come, but we mounted cannons and fog horns to all the patrol ATV’s from jump, and we’ll take things as they come.


A note on the drawbridge: It is a refurbished original, imported from Scotland. It was, as all drawbridges are, a product of the late Medieval period. It is of course purely decorative, in the sense that it’s not a primary security feature, although that particular entrance happens to be a “choke point”. The turrets to the left and right of that entrance are manned. Initially the evening security detail referred to them as “Echo” and “Bravo”, but now we’ve re-named them Maxwell and Antonio. It just sounds softer, and after entering into intense backroom negotiations with certain officials relevant to the National Parks Subcommittee to begin the building process on this humble estate to begin with, the last thing we would want to come off as is militaristic. Rebel forces do not create or direct a Super-PAC, and I take personal offense when that title is thrown around in the press with regards to our patrolled gates or business practices.

The truth is, past the symbiotic herds of Llamas and Leopards, over the moat and past the triceratops skeleton you’ll find a simple mansion laboratory encircled by a ornate walnut parquet velodrome. You’ll see that the animals are well taken care of, and the mammoth rehabilitation is coming along smoothly. Our mining investments have funded our small astronautical department, which is of course working in tandem with our top tier chemists in the biodiversity wing. It’s only been a year since I won the Powerball, but I think it’s the start of something wonderful.